Recently, Al and Tipper Gore announced a mutually acceptable divorce: they had in their own words "grown apart." They have not been the the only ones. "Grown apart" has now become a modern mantra-- a boilerplate reason for severing the ties that were meant to last "till death do us part." Unfortunately, it has not only become an acceptable excuse for ending marriages, but a seemingly inexorable stage of marriage. Like getting old, people now simply expect to "grow apart" the longer they are together. But this doesn't have to be. Marriages can--and should-- grow stronger and deeper as couples continually work to love each other over a lifetime.
"Till death do us part," should mean exactly that: death and only death, not till changing needs or personalities do us part. The truth is that people give up on their marriages for the promise of separate and hopefully better individual lives. But this is a false hope, for most of need to be in a relationship where we are able to love and be loved unconditionally, wherein we can become all that God made us to be while helping another to do the same. That's what marriage is all about. Two people coming together to ride out life's storms together, to grow together, to dream together, and to create children that would learn to love others as they love themselves.
Should couples then just grin and bear it in the hopes that one of them will die first? No. But it does mean that they should close the door to divorce, like Cortez burned his ships upon arriving in the New World. No way! (They should say.) We are going to work this out together. And if we can't, we will find friends or counselors to help us, so that the life we began together doesn't end in disaster for us and our children-- a testimony of failure for generations to come.
Married people should realize that some commitments are for keeps. I think of John Wooden, the legendary UCLA coach who just died. That man kept writing love letters to his wife for years even after she died. He wasn't weird. Coach just came from a generation that put others before themselves. And that's the great secret isn't it? Even if just one spouse chooses to live selflessly, to prefer the other's good before his or her own, it's enough to fill the marriage with hope and yes, even love.
But how do you grow together instead of growing apart? The answer comes from looking at the spokes of a bicycle's wheel. Those spokes get closer together as they approach the center. Relationships are the same: people grow closer as they move towards an unchangeable center. That center is God and His eternal life changing principles. When couples begin to move towards God by submitting themselves to His principles, then they begin to move closer to each other. Take, for example, God's first and greatest principle for all human relationships: "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." Imagine what life could be for those who attempt to do this? If I start forgiving my spouse in the same manner that I have learned to forgive myself, then blame, bitterness, and resentment begin to dissipate in our home. If I start thinking of her needs as if her needs were mine, imagine how happy she would become knowing that her inner desires were being constantly heard and supported. If I start seeing her through rose colored glasses, the way I often see myself, imagine how happy our home could be. And that's just for starters. Love is the greatest aphrodisiac: couples loving unconditionally have the best and hottest sex-- even without pictures and manuals. Not sure? Try it. Shared hearts lead to shared parts.
Come on, let's keep the covenant. Let's help each other overcome ourselves to focus on loving unconditionally and selflessly till (unfortunately) death do us part.
Pastor Brian Vieira
