Before you begin conversations about sensitive issues,
establish and maintain a positive purpose.
After you have defused the tension and avoided a destructive confrontation, prepare to speak constructively about the conflict. Remember that your goal is to begin resolving conflicts through constructive conversations. Creating constructive conversations requires disciplined preparation. You must establish a positive purpose in your heart before you begin to discuss difficult issues. Begin at the end--always know what you are trying to accomplish. Keep asking yourself: “What positive purpose am I trying to accomplish?” Take time to think.
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Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
How to face conflicts without fighting
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”
(Proverbs 15:1) (KJV)
You can’t--and shouldn’t--avoid conflicts. But you can--and must--avoid fights. Conflicts are simply disagreements that produce tension within the relationship. Fights are angry verbal or physical exchanges that result from unresolved conflicts. While conflicts can become constructive, fights are always destructive. How can you avoid destructive arguments? The first step is to defuse anger. A “soft answer” is a wise, humble response that immediately reduces potentially explosive tension.
(Proverbs 15:1) (KJV)
You can’t--and shouldn’t--avoid conflicts. But you can--and must--avoid fights. Conflicts are simply disagreements that produce tension within the relationship. Fights are angry verbal or physical exchanges that result from unresolved conflicts. While conflicts can become constructive, fights are always destructive. How can you avoid destructive arguments? The first step is to defuse anger. A “soft answer” is a wise, humble response that immediately reduces potentially explosive tension.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Marriage: Till death do us part
Recently, Al and Tipper Gore announced a mutually acceptable divorce: they had in their own words "grown apart." They have not been the the only ones. "Grown apart" has now become a modern mantra-- a boilerplate reason for severing the ties that were meant to last "till death do us part." Unfortunately, it has not only become an acceptable excuse for ending marriages, but a seemingly inexorable stage of marriage. Like getting old, people now simply expect to "grow apart" the longer they are together. But this doesn't have to be. Marriages can--and should-- grow stronger and deeper as couples continually work to love each other over a lifetime.
"Till death do us part," should mean exactly that: death and only death, not till changing needs or personalities do us part. The truth is that people give up on their marriages for the promise of separate and hopefully better individual lives. But this is a false hope, for most of need to be in a relationship where we are able to love and be loved unconditionally, wherein we can become all that God made us to be while helping another to do the same. That's what marriage is all about. Two people coming together to ride out life's storms together, to grow together, to dream together, and to create children that would learn to love others as they love themselves.
Should couples then just grin and bear it in the hopes that one of them will die first? No. But it does mean that they should close the door to divorce, like Cortez burned his ships upon arriving in the New World. No way! (They should say.) We are going to work this out together. And if we can't, we will find friends or counselors to help us, so that the life we began together doesn't end in disaster for us and our children-- a testimony of failure for generations to come.
Married people should realize that some commitments are for keeps. I think of John Wooden, the legendary UCLA coach who just died. That man kept writing love letters to his wife for years even after she died. He wasn't weird. Coach just came from a generation that put others before themselves. And that's the great secret isn't it? Even if just one spouse chooses to live selflessly, to prefer the other's good before his or her own, it's enough to fill the marriage with hope and yes, even love.
But how do you grow together instead of growing apart? The answer comes from looking at the spokes of a bicycle's wheel. Those spokes get closer together as they approach the center. Relationships are the same: people grow closer as they move towards an unchangeable center. That center is God and His eternal life changing principles. When couples begin to move towards God by submitting themselves to His principles, then they begin to move closer to each other. Take, for example, God's first and greatest principle for all human relationships: "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." Imagine what life could be for those who attempt to do this? If I start forgiving my spouse in the same manner that I have learned to forgive myself, then blame, bitterness, and resentment begin to dissipate in our home. If I start thinking of her needs as if her needs were mine, imagine how happy she would become knowing that her inner desires were being constantly heard and supported. If I start seeing her through rose colored glasses, the way I often see myself, imagine how happy our home could be. And that's just for starters. Love is the greatest aphrodisiac: couples loving unconditionally have the best and hottest sex-- even without pictures and manuals. Not sure? Try it. Shared hearts lead to shared parts.
Come on, let's keep the covenant. Let's help each other overcome ourselves to focus on loving unconditionally and selflessly till (unfortunately) death do us part.
Pastor Brian Vieira
"Till death do us part," should mean exactly that: death and only death, not till changing needs or personalities do us part. The truth is that people give up on their marriages for the promise of separate and hopefully better individual lives. But this is a false hope, for most of need to be in a relationship where we are able to love and be loved unconditionally, wherein we can become all that God made us to be while helping another to do the same. That's what marriage is all about. Two people coming together to ride out life's storms together, to grow together, to dream together, and to create children that would learn to love others as they love themselves.
Should couples then just grin and bear it in the hopes that one of them will die first? No. But it does mean that they should close the door to divorce, like Cortez burned his ships upon arriving in the New World. No way! (They should say.) We are going to work this out together. And if we can't, we will find friends or counselors to help us, so that the life we began together doesn't end in disaster for us and our children-- a testimony of failure for generations to come.
Married people should realize that some commitments are for keeps. I think of John Wooden, the legendary UCLA coach who just died. That man kept writing love letters to his wife for years even after she died. He wasn't weird. Coach just came from a generation that put others before themselves. And that's the great secret isn't it? Even if just one spouse chooses to live selflessly, to prefer the other's good before his or her own, it's enough to fill the marriage with hope and yes, even love.
But how do you grow together instead of growing apart? The answer comes from looking at the spokes of a bicycle's wheel. Those spokes get closer together as they approach the center. Relationships are the same: people grow closer as they move towards an unchangeable center. That center is God and His eternal life changing principles. When couples begin to move towards God by submitting themselves to His principles, then they begin to move closer to each other. Take, for example, God's first and greatest principle for all human relationships: "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." Imagine what life could be for those who attempt to do this? If I start forgiving my spouse in the same manner that I have learned to forgive myself, then blame, bitterness, and resentment begin to dissipate in our home. If I start thinking of her needs as if her needs were mine, imagine how happy she would become knowing that her inner desires were being constantly heard and supported. If I start seeing her through rose colored glasses, the way I often see myself, imagine how happy our home could be. And that's just for starters. Love is the greatest aphrodisiac: couples loving unconditionally have the best and hottest sex-- even without pictures and manuals. Not sure? Try it. Shared hearts lead to shared parts.
Come on, let's keep the covenant. Let's help each other overcome ourselves to focus on loving unconditionally and selflessly till (unfortunately) death do us part.
Pastor Brian Vieira
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sexy Saints
Holy men and women in the Bible loved God and sex fully and at the same time. Christians don't. Indeed, it seems that we can't. After centuries of seeing sex as a "necessary evil", its time for the church to learn how to be fully sensual and spiritual at the same time-- that sex and sanctification are not conflicting joys.
Now let's get this clear. Sex is God's gift to the married. I am not a libertine looking to justify sinful behavior. I just want my fellow married brothers and sisters to finally and fully enjoy sex as God intended.
But where can we turn to learn how to be holy and wholly sexualized? What about the Bible: it says a lot more about sex than "don't do it till you're married." The Scriptures seethe with sexuality-- and I mean the good kind. Just take a look at this list of sexy saints and what we can learn from them.
1. Solomon: now here was a sexy saint. He is the object of a young girl's fantasy in the Songs of Solomon. Forget about the goats, and sheep and other metaphors that are outdated in the book and irrelevant to us. This guy knew how to adore and adorn a woman's body. He knew how to genuinely celebrate feminine sexuality. He also knew what women thought about the male physique. Solomon writes with passion from both perspectives. Guised beautifully in poetry are descriptions of sex deep and long from night to morn. . .
Now let's get this clear. Sex is God's gift to the married. I am not a libertine looking to justify sinful behavior. I just want my fellow married brothers and sisters to finally and fully enjoy sex as God intended.
But where can we turn to learn how to be holy and wholly sexualized? What about the Bible: it says a lot more about sex than "don't do it till you're married." The Scriptures seethe with sexuality-- and I mean the good kind. Just take a look at this list of sexy saints and what we can learn from them.
1. Solomon: now here was a sexy saint. He is the object of a young girl's fantasy in the Songs of Solomon. Forget about the goats, and sheep and other metaphors that are outdated in the book and irrelevant to us. This guy knew how to adore and adorn a woman's body. He knew how to genuinely celebrate feminine sexuality. He also knew what women thought about the male physique. Solomon writes with passion from both perspectives. Guised beautifully in poetry are descriptions of sex deep and long from night to morn. . .
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Marriage takes work
Marriage is not for the lazy. There are no ten simple steps to a greater marriage— no 7 day solution to marital conflicts. There are no shortcuts. Marriage takes work. Both spouses must be willing to commit themselves to the daily disciplines of serving and understanding each other. Time must be set aside for learning about each other. Marriages, like gardens, do not take care of themselves. There must be mutual daily dedication to finding the roots of conflict, and cultivating the soils of each other’s hearts. But I am not trying to be poetic— just honest. If you will not work at your marriage it will die like gardens die when all of their first and promising beauty is overwhelmed by wild and poisonous weeds.
Stop now. Ask yourself— or each other— when is the last time we have spoken about us? Not the bills, the kids, the office, the church, or the neighbors— but about you and me. Have we stopped learning about each other? Did that end shortly after we said I do?
The time is now. No matter how bad your relationship seems, there is hope— if you are willing to learn how to learn about each other.
If you are interested, let me know. I will be posting a series of questions and activities that spouses can use consistently to understand and to be understood. These tools will help you communicate concern and compassion, while working to overcome and avoid conflict. I look forward to serving you with practical advice about marriage from someone (me) who has made enough mistakes to last several lifetimes.
I have a strong and growing marriage now— but only through great pain— some of which I can help you avoid as you and I keep learning from my mistakes.
Pastor Brian Vieira
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